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December 18, 2010

Every so often, I tiptoe back to this space and poke around a bit. Think about things I could write, read over some old stuff, and check the daily stats. I am delighted, humbled, and rather surprised that this blog still gets daily reads, despite the fact that I’ve been rather absent.

I haven’t known what to say.

I transferred this blog from one I called Planet Mom a little over a year ago. I was in the throes of feeling non compos mentis….up to my eyeballs in the gristle of my life. But then 2009 came to a screeching halt with a series of life-changing events–job loss and income loss and house….loss. We moved. We filed bankruptcy. The kids changed schools. We…got stuck in some sort of weird limbo that threshed me to the core, and made me question who I was…who I thought I was….who I am.

Suddenly, none of the old me seemed to fit anymore. It was like my feet grew three sizes overnight, leaving me with a closet full of shoes I can’t wear. So I went inward. Moved through my days, planning as best I could for whatever, doing the best I can with everything. Spent a lot of time waiting–for answers, paperwork, people. Myself. And I have been slow.

Who am I? I spent more time in 2010 pondering this question than I care to reveal. But as I pondered I also wondered: am I non compos mentis enough to write in this space anymore, or is it time for something different? Alternately, am I too non compos mentis to return to these pages….? Am I just the embodiment of a twisted irony with nothing to say? My life has changed so much since I started writing these missives about trying to mother four amazing people, while simultaneously trying to figure my own self out.

I have changed. I’m not that mother anymore.

Or at least, that what I thought.

A couple of days ago I was moving frenetically through the house trying to get ready to go. I had errands to do and kids to pick up….an appointment to keep somewhere with someone.  As usual, I hadn’t been watching the clock closely enough and was suddenly running late. I packed up the stuff that generally goes with me everywhere….I carry luggage around with me everyday, for all intents and purposes. My laptop bag (and did I grab my power cord and harddrives??), my camera bag (crap, where’d my damn lens cap go….again?!), and my purse, into which I need to remember to place my phone and my inhaler. I need to fill my water bottle, find my sunglasses, fingerless gloves, coat, and keys…. and….and….I often walk through the house, feeling very scattered, hoping that something I see will spark my memory. Hoping that another trip through the rooms will keep me safe from forgetfulness. It sometimes works.

But thank goodness for my daughter, who on that particular day was coping far better than I. I had everything in hand–bags slung on my shoulders, glasses already on my face, keys in hand….and was heading out the door saying my goodbyes when Mira stopped me.

“Mom.”

“Yeah?” I said, distracted.

“Are you planning to wear shoes today?” she smirked. A little.

I looked down.

I was still wearing my slippers.

I’m sure the kids’ afterschool program teachers would have had a good laugh that afternoon. The people at the pharmacy too. And the grocery store…the gas station.

But only two people got to laugh at me that day–Mira first, then me.

And right after I finished laughing and shaking my head at myself, it hit me….I’m still me. Still flirting with the very edges of general sanity at any given moment.

And so, it’s time to return. Because I have stuff to say…stuff about food and kids and home…stuff about this land we’re living on, stuff about the chickens and goats, raspberries and flowerbeds. Stuff about dreams and goals. Stuff about Graysen, who is no less funny than he was when he was 3.

“MOM!” he called to me today, as he danced on the back deck in this season’s first snow, “you have to come outside….it’s FRESH!”

And so it is. And so it will be.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Candelora permalink
    December 18, 2010 7:44 am

    Deliciously perfect!

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